The Deathbed Promise
What do you do if you made a deathbed promise you cannot keep? What happens when the person you promised to protect is no longer safe? What if we can’t do what we once said we could? What do we do then?
We used to go on walks, my dad and I, every single morning. I would wake up each day, long before the sun began shedding it’s warmth unto the small town that I call home. I would do this in an attempt to build a relationship with my father, like I had promised my mother I would. Unfortunately, after problems that all families suffer through, I couldn’t stay true to my word. Does that make me a bad person? Does that mean I’m a liar?
My dad tries, he really does. He comes over every now and then, unannounced I might add. My boys remind me of how much he loves me as they lead me to where he sits in my living room, the tension noticed by all. This rift is scarring my family, and yet, I can’t get myself to find peace. My boys watch as I crumble to pieces, not knowing if their mother will ever be complete again. They see the regret and fear in my eyes, I can feel it.
I feel as if I am standing alone atop a mountain, looking over the paths I have chosen throughout my lifetime. So many of the roads have taken me in the opposite direction of where I needed to go. I have lost so much of the confidence and courage needed to move forward with my life. I am a but a shell of who I once was; a caricature of a person who had a family, dignity and faith. These things have since disappeared like grain of sand in a vicious wind storm. The beaches that used to hold solace are now scary and unknown.
Sometimes we have to rebuild our lives, and that means restructuring the relationships that matter most to us. When this happens, it may seem as if there aren’t any tools or materials to do so with, not even as much as a pencil to draw a sample plan. It’s okay. Trust someone that’s going through it herself, you’re not alone.
It can be done. There will be tears, you will be battered and bruised, and you may be left with a scar or two - but in the end, I hope it will all be worth it. Doing this may be the only way to reclaim my life. It will never be completely better or healed, but it will get easier. I know this better than anybody in the world.
Rob, Kate, my dad, his girlfriend and myself are going on a dinner train next weekend. I agreed to go mostly due to the look of hope in my son’s eyes. His smile was pure when I agreed, yet, I pray he didn’t see the uncertainty hidden just beneath the façade.
This is me stepping forward with my life. I’m going forth into complete darkness in hopes that, at the end of this journey, I will see the light and begin piecing the life I’ve been given back together. I am doing this with pure faith and honor for my family. I am doing this because I made a promise. It’s time I kept my word.
Please say a prayer for the friends and family of Mr. Biden. May he rest in peace. Also, thanks again for the continued support you have all given me during this difficult time. I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. I hope everyone has a safe weekend full of laughter and productivity! Let’s talk again on Monday, I’ll bring the coffee. -R.