RM-K

The official site of author Ruth McLeod-Kearns

Ruth McLeod-Kearns is an advocate for opiate/heroin overdose, author, creator of the I'll Bring the Coffee blog series and a contributing writer for Things Women Want Freedom of Expression magazines.

Here, you can connect with the author, follow her social media accounts and download the thought-provoking novelettes. As always, she'll bring the coffee.

I Have Been Broken & Torn Into Pieces

Hello everyone, I felt this was relevant to how many of us are feeling today. Stay strong and don’t lose faith - you will get through this. 

***

I have been broken and torn into pieces, some that have never been found. When my sister died, I was never prepared for the tidal wave of sadness that I owned.

I ripped up the carpet in my house and painted the floors crazy colors. I put the boys on the couch and traced their outlines onto the wall. I had a wild fireplace with a different brick for each person gone from me.

I wasn't bad enough to be suicidal, but I was self destructive in other ways. I know how many of you are in dark places because some have shared your stories. I need you to know that you are brave and beautiful. I see it even if you can't yet. I promise you it's true. 

I feel honored beyond words that you have been so honest about tragic events that I know are never far from your every thought. I know this because that is me. I go to the cemetery more than I admit. I still bring my sister coffee every time, exactly how she liked it, and I pour it over where I estimate she is. I bring my brother a coke and flowers. I have spent more money on these people dead, than I ever did when they were right in front of me. That is a terrible thing to have to admit, but it is the truth.

I know what pain feels like. I know loss, and have watched death more than a person should. But I love and I am fiercely loyal. I have my boys and my spouse, and without them and many of you, I don't know what I would do. That is the truth. To my friends: hang on! Have faith that somehow you will get through the day. Then do the same tomorrow. One day you won't have to remind yourself to breathe. I am banking on it. 

Thank you for reading my thoughts and shining your light during this dark hour. I am humbled and happy to have you as my friends. We will talk tomorrow, I’ll bring the coffee. -Ruth

*Center for Disease Control and Prevention, "Understanding the Epidemic: Drug overdose deaths continued to increase in 2015", 12/16/16