What Am I Here For?
Funny the difference a year makes. Last year at this time I had no clue that in about a month my mom would be dead. I didn’t know how my disability trial would end up, and I surely didn’t see a movie being pitched from one of my stories. I had enrolled in UCLA, so I had the dream to work towards, but I never saw it turning out like this.
It makes me wonder what this year will bring. I have such a hard time getting my balance. Not having confidence in my footing overwhelms me at times. There was a time I felt so invincible, young, and untouchable. But how wrong is a fool like me? I have no armor it feels. Nothing to fight the inevitable pains that is coming my way with speed.
As long as my boys are alright. That they are doing well, faithful men with the world looking green and welcoming. May their dreams come true and the price be nothing greater than hard work or school. They need to think of others before themselves, then I know they will be ready to give marriage a shot.
I still dream of many tomorrows. I still have trouble sleeping, but I don’t care so much. It is just that. My price maybe for thinking I was entitled to everything going well, and planned. I write, but is it vain to believe my thoughts are worth anything but air.
I have been so very lucky in my marriage. I am not an easy person to live with. I seem to run strictly from a right brain, but I make her laugh. That has to be worth something. Maybe when we figure it all out, our time is no longer needed. We move on? I know my mom was the sweetest she ever was in her last week. Maybe that was the real her.
I pray now, though I don’t know to whom. Am I kind enough? Have I been good to those who needed sweetness, not advice? Is that the key? Is there a key? Is there even time? I wonder how it all fits? And yet I am afraid to hear the answer I seem to seek. Love. It is the only thing true and good. I hope I say that in a year. Just one good year. This is my prayer.